It Hit Me... like a TON of Bricks!

We all have our experiences, the good and the bad. We all have a life we are destined to lead. Some of us have an easier time finding their destiny than others. I know that each of is not without our own struggles and challenges. God has a plan. A plan for each and every one of us. I believe this. Whole heartedly, I do believe God has a hand in everything we do.

While I have always had faith, I have not always stayed true to my faith or walked holding God's hand. There have been times I have been very close with God, and than there were times when I barely know God at all. Despite the state of our relationship, I have always had my faith. I have prayed, I have looked to him for answers, and I have depended on him for Hope.

I have never looked to him with hatred, though I have looked to him with the greatest of confusion. Especially when have not understood his choices for my life. I have learned through the years what happens now may not make sense. Given time, God's reason will become known and the pieces will fit together.

The perfect example of not understanding God's Plan for me can be found in the childhood and adolescence I managed at times to barely survive. I knew back then that I needed to stay strong, and that I could not let her break me. Hard as she tried and the more mercilessly she beat me, I would not give in. During the beatings I would not feel fear, I would feel sadness. I felt a deep, aching sadness for my Mother both during and after each beating. I would wonder what could make her choose to raise her hands and her fists. I would question what made her feel such anger and hatred towards me. As I got older and the beatings became more violent I would pray for her as she beat me. I would pray for God to forgive her. I would pray for God to help me stay off her radar, to not cross her path. I prayed for God to forgive me for causing her such pain in her life, after all she was my Mother. I did not choose her, she chose to have me. The conclusion I came to in my own mind was that it had to have caused her tremendous amounts of pain to abuse me physically, mentally, and verbally in the ways she did.

Today, I realized that I never prayed to God for her to stop. I never prayed for God asking him to do her harm. I never prayed to God asking that she turn on my sibling instead of me. I believe that I never prayed for these things because it was not in God's plan.

It took me many years to realize that the things I survived, the suffering I endured made me stronger, made me better, and allowed me to be the person I wanted to be. I knew from a very young age I did not want to be like either of my parents. I knew that I wanted to walk a different path and that I would find a way to rise up and become something more. 

I always found pride in this knowledge. I felt that God shone a light in me, and I would share this light with others as he would see fit. I believed that God loved me enough to help me grow from my parents misgivings. He gave me the parents I had to show me a great many lessons early on in life. Lessons I carry with me, hold dear to my heart and have helped shape me, especially now as an adult.

It is through these many lessons, that I came to walk with him, to hold God's hand and trust in his plan. One of the many truths to this can be found in God's single greatest gift that he has given to me - Nathaniel. Giving birth to my son, was both a gift and a small miracle. Only now, nearly seven years later do I realize that is was much more than a simple gift from God. As I sit back and replay Nathaniel's life and see how the last seven years have unfolded before me, I realize an even greater truth. God used my first twenty-four years to prepare me to be Nathaniel's mother. Surviving the things I did in those first twenty-four years are my proof. Overcoming so many struggles and battles all while finding the strength and courage to keep going often seemed like a dream. I know now it wasn't a dream, it was preparation for things to come. It was to ready me to accept some of the missing pieces of the puzzle that you can call my life.

Nathaniel is the piece in the very middle of my puzzle. The piece you build all the rest around. I have learned in the last seven years that I need to build my life around Nathaniel. He needs so much extra patience, guidance, love, care, time, attention and support to make it one day at a time. It is through mothering him, that I am able to slow down. He has taught me about unconditional love and acceptance. He has taught me to see the world in new and wondrous ways. He has taught me that each of us are special and we each have a gift that time will unveil. Without knowing it he has given me hope, is helping me restore my faith and has brought me back to God. I want to once again walk and hold God's hand.

I want to walk along the road God chooses for me to travel. A road filled with spots of beauty, mixed with splotches of a tug-a-war of the heart, and feeling of a certain familiarity. A road once traveled, but not forgotten.

I want to give my life over to him. I want to relearn how to let things go. I want to place my troubles in his hands. I want to feel the light he shone inside me burn brightly once again. I can ask myself how to do this, but I have the answer inside me. It has been there all along.

So as I sit here baring myself to all of you, I being to cry and pray. I pray hard. I ask for forgiveness. I ask for strength and courage. I ask for guidance and hope. I ask for God to catch me as I stumble. Stumble I will as I begin my journey back. I ask that God fill me with his love as give my life to him. I am not perfect. I will make mistakes, there will be times I will fail. I ask for God's patience as I regain my footing and our relationship rebuilds. As I finish my praying, my tears stop flowing and a peace settles in.

This peace gives me the courage to share Today's turn of events. I had a particularly, difficult day with Nathaniel. It was one of the many difficult days we have recently been faced with. I know that it is just one of the many more to come in the future. I was feeling defeated and worn down. I was fearful I was beginning to break. I took a few minutes to myself, 43 minutes to be exact, and watched an episode of a television show I enjoy on Netflix. It was because of this show and a song that plays during its conclusion that I broke. I broke wide open. I began sobbing uncontrollably. A great cry that came from the very depths of my soul.

Once I stopped sobbing and could see I googled the partial lyrics I had heard. I youtubed the group and song title. I listened to the entire song and I cried even harder. I heard so much more then what the Artist wrote. I heard God speaking to me. I heard God calling to me in my time of turmoil. I knew at that moment I needed him more than I ever have. I opened this page and wrote hoping to sort my thoughts. I never imagined that he would bless me with this post.

God truly works in mysterious ways! :) I want to share the link to the song that moved me and its lyrics. I gave my life over to God and have begun my walk. I hope that if you are reading this that you can feel God's love and see his goodness!

Here are the Lyrics:


The Calling - Wherever You Will Go

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If the great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If the great wave should fall
It’d fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

A Love's Crossroads

I struggle to keep things together. I want my son to have both parents. I have a desire to not succomb to failure. To not give others the satisfaction of saying, I told you so or why did you wait so long to leave? 

I believe Love stems from many places and when rolled together a connection happens, sparks ignite and passion between two individuals is born. At times the passion may fizzle, the sparks may die down, and the connection may seem to break. It is the work of both individuals equally that keeps the Love alive. 

When one person grows complacent in Love, it often forces the other to try to keep the Love alive on their own. In time they may grow bitter and tired. They may end up feeling resentment and no longer feeling a connection to their partner. When this happens it stresses the bonds of the heart. It causes one, once very passionately in Love, to come to a point of great confusion. Do I continue loving and hoping that someday my Love will once again be returned? Or hard as it may be for both of us do I release the bond, and set our hearts free? Will they understand that this is hard? Will they see how I have tried to keep our Love alive? Will the realize that Love takes the work of both hearts for passion to stay alive?

Maybe, I'm mostly torn with the choice of which hurt I would rather endure. Is it the hurt of staying and praying to regain the passion we once had? Or might I choose the hurt of defeat, of letting go, of the reality that we aren't meant to be, despite all the years I've given to them?

Am I ready to feel the last bit of my heart break? Am I strong enough to let go? Can I handle the sadness, loneliness, and all the bumps along the road not yet traveled?

I am at a crossroads. A place I'm not sure I want to be. I see two roads laid out before me. One seems familar, filled with spots of beauty, mixed with splotches of a tug-a-war of the heart, and a certain familarity.

The other seems full vast uncertainty. There seems to be many twists and turns, often with boulders blocking the path. Boulders that will need to be climbed in order to see what lies beyond them. At pivotal points there seems to be great splotches of color and beauty thats has yet to be discovered.

I stand before these roads and I am not sure which road I should be traveling. My heart calls me down one road and my head beckons me down another. 

Standing with these roads laid out before me, I know of only one certainty. My heart is broken. It is beautifully torn in two. 

Gone is the Veil

I'm sitting here and I am wondering when it was that I lost myself. I'm trying to pinpoint the moment I knew that the last of me was gone. I try to visualize myself as a whole and then allow myself to slip backwards into my many memories and see the pieces fall away until nothing is left. I realize that there were times, moments in my existence that a teeny-weeny part fell off and then there were those life defining moments when I'd see a huge chunk disappear all at once.

I sit quietly and I continue watching myself dwindle until there is nothing left. Nothing. Not the tiniest shred of the me I used to be. I sit silent and a great sadness fills me. I wonder what it is that I have to offer, I wonder what will become of the person I have to build back up? I wonder how long the journey will be?

My mind begins to drift to deep, dark places. It drifts to voids, to hurt, to sorrow, to the grief and helplessness that often seems to plague my heart. With the veil of the self I once was lost to the many things I have suffered and over come in my nearly 31 years, I wonder if what is lying beneath is worth anything at all?