A Love's Crossroads

I struggle to keep things together. I want my son to have both parents. I have a desire to not succomb to failure. To not give others the satisfaction of saying, I told you so or why did you wait so long to leave? 

I believe Love stems from many places and when rolled together a connection happens, sparks ignite and passion between two individuals is born. At times the passion may fizzle, the sparks may die down, and the connection may seem to break. It is the work of both individuals equally that keeps the Love alive. 

When one person grows complacent in Love, it often forces the other to try to keep the Love alive on their own. In time they may grow bitter and tired. They may end up feeling resentment and no longer feeling a connection to their partner. When this happens it stresses the bonds of the heart. It causes one, once very passionately in Love, to come to a point of great confusion. Do I continue loving and hoping that someday my Love will once again be returned? Or hard as it may be for both of us do I release the bond, and set our hearts free? Will they understand that this is hard? Will they see how I have tried to keep our Love alive? Will the realize that Love takes the work of both hearts for passion to stay alive?

Maybe, I'm mostly torn with the choice of which hurt I would rather endure. Is it the hurt of staying and praying to regain the passion we once had? Or might I choose the hurt of defeat, of letting go, of the reality that we aren't meant to be, despite all the years I've given to them?

Am I ready to feel the last bit of my heart break? Am I strong enough to let go? Can I handle the sadness, loneliness, and all the bumps along the road not yet traveled?

I am at a crossroads. A place I'm not sure I want to be. I see two roads laid out before me. One seems familar, filled with spots of beauty, mixed with splotches of a tug-a-war of the heart, and a certain familarity.

The other seems full vast uncertainty. There seems to be many twists and turns, often with boulders blocking the path. Boulders that will need to be climbed in order to see what lies beyond them. At pivotal points there seems to be great splotches of color and beauty thats has yet to be discovered.

I stand before these roads and I am not sure which road I should be traveling. My heart calls me down one road and my head beckons me down another. 

Standing with these roads laid out before me, I know of only one certainty. My heart is broken. It is beautifully torn in two. 

Gone is the Veil

I'm sitting here and I am wondering when it was that I lost myself. I'm trying to pinpoint the moment I knew that the last of me was gone. I try to visualize myself as a whole and then allow myself to slip backwards into my many memories and see the pieces fall away until nothing is left. I realize that there were times, moments in my existence that a teeny-weeny part fell off and then there were those life defining moments when I'd see a huge chunk disappear all at once.

I sit quietly and I continue watching myself dwindle until there is nothing left. Nothing. Not the tiniest shred of the me I used to be. I sit silent and a great sadness fills me. I wonder what it is that I have to offer, I wonder what will become of the person I have to build back up? I wonder how long the journey will be?

My mind begins to drift to deep, dark places. It drifts to voids, to hurt, to sorrow, to the grief and helplessness that often seems to plague my heart. With the veil of the self I once was lost to the many things I have suffered and over come in my nearly 31 years, I wonder if what is lying beneath is worth anything at all?